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These are from a book called
Disorder in American Courts, and
are things people actually said
in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of
not laughing while these
exchanges were actually being
spoken . .
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ATTORNEY: Are you
sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie
there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your
date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of
the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does
it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what
ways does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an
example of something you
forgot?
________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is
your son, the one living
with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or
thirty-five, I can't
remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has
he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five
years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the
first thing your husband
said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where
am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did
that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is
Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if
your daughter has ever
been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor,
isn't it true that when
a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you
actually pass the bar
exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest
son, the
twenty-year-old, how old
is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's
twenty-one.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you
present when your
picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you
repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby)
was May 8?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were
you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three
children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage
terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose
death was it terminated?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about
medium height and had a
beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a
male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this
morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which
I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to
work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
many of your autopsies
have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my
autopsies are performed
on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your
responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall
the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p. m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was
sitting on the table
wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you
qualified to give a urine
sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check
for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for
breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient
was alive
when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain
was sitting on my desk in
a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the
patient have still been
alive anyway?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could
have been alive and
practicing law.
A beautiful woman went to
the gynecologist. The
doctor took one look at
the woman and all his
professionalism flew out
the window. He immediately
told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the
doctor began to stroke her
thigh. While
Doing so he asked her, "Do
you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You
are checking for abrasions
or Dermatological
abnormalities."
"That's right," said the
doctor. He then began to
fondle her Breasts. "Do
you know what I am doing
now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are
checking for lumps which
might indicate Breast
cancer."
"Correct," replied the
shady doctor. Finally, he
mounted his Patient and
started having sexual
intercourse with her. He
asked, "Do you know what I
am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're
getting herpes: which is
why I came here in the
first place."
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